Sunday, August 9, 2015

(Better) Questions To Ask Your Significant Other

A few weeks ago, I noticed a somewhat viral "copy and paste" questionnaire that women were putting in their Facebook status updates. The rules were simple, you had to ask your significant other questions about yourself, and put their answers. The list was long, awkward, and honestly unintentionally hysterical. You had to type exactly what your S.O. said, answering questions like "What is my wife/girlfriend's biggest fear" or "favorite thing to do?" The only thing weirder than this strange ~relationship test~ was the fact that I willingly and creepily read the bizarre results of each participator that I could find.

I was mostly blown away by some of the conceited responses from the boyfriends' end. For example, to the "favorite thing to do" question that I previously mentioned, one boyfriend stated "Spending time with me". I laughed out loud, wondering if the girl blushed and batted her eyelashes as she typed those words into the little white box at the top of her Facebook feed, thinking Oh, he knows me so well. I highly doubt that ANY person's favorite hobby is spending time with another person. It does not matter if they are the love of your life, or make you extremely happy-- but jeez, no one is that great. My favorite thing to do? Eating cookie dough in my bed while watching multiple episodes of "Sex And The City". (I mean, someone else could be there if they wanted, but the situation is far more religious if I am by myself)

I took all of these questions into consideration and decided to come up with a more effective list. I have even asked my poor boyfriend some of these questions, to his dismay, because he is often caught off guard by my abstract thought balloons that pop in his face while he is just trying to eat mini donuts and watch Jeopardy. However, no matter who you are currently dating, I think that these questions will give you the results that you were hoping for.

Questions To Ask Your Significant Other

1. If you found out that I was missing, how exactly would you describe my physical appearance to the police?
(To this one, my boyfriend said "Short and curvy with long wavy hair and blue eyes". I was hoping for more of an answer like "A sprite-like face with a sprinkling of freckles, beachy waves of dark brown hair that cascade down her hour-glass figure, small feet and hands that appear childlike, reflecting her wondrous spirit and demeanor, and two slightly crooked teeth that add to her character and make her seem easy to relate to")

2. If I randomly and magically turned into a puppy, would you keep me as a pet?
(He said "No, because that would never happen". I, however, am still not ruling it out.)

3. How about a fish? Would you buy me all of those tank decorations, like the small castles and mermaids and stuff because it would probably make me happier since I have to be a fish now?

4. If I was a mythical creature, what would I be and why?

5. Does my singing voice sound like a famous person's singing voice?
(He said no and I was not happy because the right answer is obviously "A Christina Aguilera/Idina Menzel hybrid")

6. If I died would you try to contact with my ghost by any means possible and forever mourn my death and probably never date anyone again?

7. If you could see me existing and thriving in any television series universe, what would it be?

8. Do you think that I would survive during a zombie apocalypse? Would you kill me if I was a zombie or put me in a cage and keep me as your zombie girlfriend/boyfriend/partner?
(He said "No. And no, I would kill you." UH I WOULD TOTALLY SURVIVE because I am already paranoid/cautious as hell and great at hiding. And I would make a cute zombie girlfriend with like a skull bow or something.)

9. If you could be a cartoon and marry any other cartoon, which one would you pick?
(Mine would totally be Dean McCoppin from The Iron Giant.)

~And finally~

10. In a Neverending Story situation, if  I was your horse Artax would you actually let me die in the Swamp of Sadness or would you risk your life to save me instead of just staring and crying about it like Atreyu did?


Don't raise your expectations too high,