Wednesday, June 10, 2015

14 Things You Need To Know About Girls Who Primarily Own Animal Sweaters

1. Yes, she mostly owns animal sweaters. Take a look in her closet. You will most likely see a variation of three different types of hedgehog sweaters, a nice blue and black terrier print, and maybe a french bulldog or cute elephant face thrown in the mix. If you want her to dress up, be prepared for the sweaters to be paired with overalls or patterned shorts. It is all that she knows.

2. She might have a puppet collection. From marionettes to hand-puppets to finger-puppets, she will have them all. Be prepared to patiently watch as she puts on shows for you, or hold her hand when she cries during Jim Henson's Labyrinth or The Dark Crystal. Humor her by stopping to watch Sesame Street while flipping through channels.
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3. She will expect you to get all of her sci-fi references. She has more Star Wars novelty items than she knows what to do with, including Mad Lib books and hand sanitizer. She will want you to watch the annual viewing of Firefly's Serenity on the big screen in her hometown, listen to her repeatedly explain how Dollhouse is Joss Whedon's darkest work, and not mind that she likes to sleep with a two and a half foot tall E.T. plush toy and the book "At The Earth's Core" under her pillow.

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4. She may be gluten intolerant. Don't worry, she isn't pretending. You will eventually defend her to people who question it because they think they are an expert after reading articles on the internet. You have lived it with her, and it isn't pretty.

5. She makes up songs for everything. If you put bacon and pickles into your shopping cart, prepare for her to sing about how "the bacon and the pickles are friends".

6. Puppy butts make her world-go-round. You might not get it, but she will have her friends to talk about it with. They will whimper in public over how cute little puppy behinds are, especially when they waddle while walking on their tiny paws.

7. She could have hoarding tendencies. There might be a box of cool clothes tags in her room that she is convinced that a museum may want one day, or a pile of historical-fiction themed crafts that she got in the mail throughout elementary school. Yes, she still plans on doing all of them.

8. Antiques pique her interest. Know that she will take you to countless community garage sales, and that you may have to talk her out of buying 90s work-out tapes or duplicate beanie babies because the wiener dog beanie baby that she already has needs an identical friend. Smile and nod as she purchases old furniture that she will paint and distribute as gifts.

9. She could be a book-smeller. One of her favorite smells is old books. As long as she doesn't start eating them, it should be fine.

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10. She thinks she lives in Animal Crossing. She still plays the original GameCube version, and will sometimes talk about how she wishes she could decorate from Tom Nook's store or how many "bells" a real-life item might be worth. She has friends to converse with, however, that have played on the DS or wii. They will compare similarities and differences, leaving you off the hook for things you might not know. She also most likely still plays neopets and gets emotional over her childhood memories of playing Toon Town.

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11. She loves cartoons, animated films, and Pixar. If you don't, you are a monster.

12. Her favorite hobby is watching poorly made (preferably scary) movies. You will become very familiar with IMDb's lowest rated films.

13. She has spooky tendencies. Her idea of a perfect date is going to an old cemetery to do grave rubbings and then looking up creepy urban legends on reddit. She also could end up being irrationally neurotic and has to sleep with a night light or lava lamp at night.

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14. She almost exclusively drinks Yoohoos. Surprising her isn't hard. All you need is a gas station.

Next: 14 Things You Need To Know About Girls Who Write 14 Things You Need To Know Blogs


Time for a Yoohoo,

Saturday, June 6, 2015

A List Of Alternative Lives That I Sometimes Wish I Had

Post-grad life is in full spin, and I am doing what I tend to do best--winging it; flying through the air on a magic carpet, or actually just tumbling down the stairs while riding a bath towel. I just started an internship at an art gallery, complete with all of the obscure-nature I could hope for. Things are unsure, bizarre, and really quite fitting.

While formerly applying for jobs, walking my sweet dog, or merely staring at the shapes in my ceiling while trying to fall asleep, I have been doing a lot of imagining. Such and such research says that we continue to develop until we are 25, which is only a couple of years away for me. I am thinking about the person I have become, or the person I may want to be. I also have spent a pretty large amount of time (especially while on the elliptical at the local YMCA) daydreaming of made-up pasts that aren't mine, but could have been in another place and time. These fantastical versions of me are what help get me through the mundane, Feel free to place yourselves in them, for these templates are fun for all ages.

A List Of Alternative Lives That I Sometimes Wish I Had

The Connecticut Sweetheart: I grew up in a white, modest house (with columns on either side of the front steps) , accompanied by matching white, modest furniture and carpet. My father worked at a local law firm, while my mother served as the head of the PTA or the school-board or something of the like. I went to an ivy-league school, coming home on the summers to my full-sized bed with a quilted mattress, with the light from my bay-window dancing across the top, warming it for when I lay down after traveling. I primarily wear pastel skirt and sweater combos, sometimes sneaking in a pair of saddle shoes for an eccentricity. My parents own a lakehouse that I spent much of my childhood exploring, making it my "safe, happy place" that I drive to when I am upset. Whenever my boyfriend or best friend and I would get in a fight, they could find me standing on the wooden porch of the lakehouse at sunset, wrapped in the same quilt from my bed, the wind blowing my hair (they would only ever find me this way from behind or from the side, watching my profile against the lowering sun ). My father would also own a boat, I would be part of a tea-party club with my childhood friends, and have a glass doll in Victorian dress cleverly named "Dolly" that I received at birth and feel very sentimental towards.

The Beach Babe: I had lived in a beachhouse in the Floridian heat my hole life. Even now that I am in college, my dad still recreationally surfs with me (he taught me how as soon as I could walk), and my mom wears loose white tops and bright flowing skirts while making homemade wind chimes to sell to the tourists in town from our local sea-shells and driftwood. I am tanned from the hours I had spent in the sun since birth, and toned from my active life of swimming and surfing. We also own a couple of jet skis, and I have gone parasailing with my friends more times that I can count. I usually walk around in a bikini top and long,loose skirt like my mother's, and always barefooted. Even though it is hot, I wear my messy hair down, damp from the salty ocean and sprinkled with sand (we have an outdoor shower behind our house that I prefer to use). The house is wooden, and seems to be falling apart with the crooked boards nailed across the outside, but it will withstand time. The shutters and porch are painted light blue and salmon, chipping from the wind and occasional storms that shake the foundation. I spend most of my days on the beach, or reading on my porch hammock. I am the kind of person you would see sitting on her board close to the water, the waves licking her toes, as she uses a shell to carve out a fallen coconut and eat the meat, muscular arms rippling in the beating sun. I have also named all of the usual dolphins that play in the shallow water close to sunrise and sunset.

Everglades/Wilderness Woman: Both of my parents work as biologists in the everglades region, and have done so since before I was born. We live in the heart of the swamp, in between two other houses of biologists and their children close to my age. I grew up playing with these children, with our only rule being "be home by the time we ring the dinner bell". As a young girl, I would wake early and eat my father's homemade pancakes while my mom read the paper at the table. I knew that I wanted to study the everglades some day, just like them, and figured I would get a start as soon as possible. After eating, I would meet my neighbor friends outside, and we would be off catching snakes and small alligators. Throughout my childhood and adolescence, I would learn everything about the various everglades ecosystems, and would have seen multiple gators and manatees by the time I became an adult. Everyone at my small town's school would have thought that I was untamed and weird,but one day when I went off to study biology in college, I would be seen as really interesting and unattainable. As a young adult, I only wear work boots, khaki shorts, and earth-tone colored button up sleeveless shirts.

New Orleans Artist: I live in the heart of the city, groomed to love the bright colors and the wet heat. My parents are both musicians, and taught me jazz at an early age. I can play the piano, the sax, the guitar, and can sing. I grew up with them performing in the streets, not even for tips, but to form a comradery with their friends and the locals or visitors. When I was younger, I would sing along with them, or dance between the instrumentalists with a little tambourine. After I graduated high school, I decided to study music. Whenever I came home during the summers or over holiday breaks, I would play in the streets with friends like my parents, and sometimes with my parents because that is a nice tradition that we share together. I excel in my jazz studies at the collegiate level, hanging out in coffee shops with my classmates saying things like "You don't know real jazz". Eventually I land a job playing at a blues bar, and teach piano and sax lessons on the side.

New Yorker Italian: (This is kind similar to my actual childhood and life). My whole, big, Italian family lives outside of New York city, all on the same block. I can walk next door to my grandparent's, or around the corner to my aunt's and uncle's. I grew up playing kickball and hockey in the street with my cousins, or working at the family-owned Italian restaurant that I can see from my bedroom window on the second floor of my house. Abbruzzo's has been in my family for generations, and we have always all worked together mixing sauces, tossing pizza, and pouring wine. I knew one day that I want to own the restaurant, even though I went to school and got a degree anyway. Abbruzzo's and my family will always be my true love, and they both have my back even if they are sometimes overbearing. When I talk, I speak in Italian whenever I get really mad, or use Italian terms of endearment when comforting little ones or close friends. Whenever I am dating anyone, he has to pass a series of tests but eventually loves that I have a big family too. However, I will probably never completely settle down because I love working at the restaurant, even though my parents pressure me daily to give them grandbabies.

Good luck, daydreamers,